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Page name: Sugarfix Crunch [Logged in view] [RSS]
2012-05-20 05:07:37
Last author: iszendre
Owner: iszendre
# of watchers: 7
Fans: 0
D20: 14
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Welcome to Sugarfix Crunch!


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This new tale chronicles the wayfearing and hellish crusade of the most lovely of all lady Jestresses (she paid me to say that) and is designed to stay crunchy even in swill. Make sure to put your username, in brackets, before each edit you make. Also be sure to adhere to the rules posted in Sugarfix Gardens. Much love, lovers!
Back to Sugarfix Gardens you viscious peace lily!





Please add your name to this list of writers the first time you edit. I want to know who you are so that there're two people in the world who can remember your name!

1.) [iszendre]
2.) [perfumed ignition]
3.) [Vattukatt]
4.)



Sugarfix Crunch!


[iszendre] Faintly at first I felt a warm glow on my cheek. I opened my eyes and found myself tucked into a warm, cozy bed, a freshly dead chicken warming my face, with no rangers, no dragon, no horsey, and no arse-affixed, crowned, cross-dressing boss loser king! Uggghh, I'm nude as usual, I thought as I looked down, tossing the chicken corpse at a serrated cow hiding in the corner. 

On the bright side I had been bathed and there was a yummy new set of purple spandex waiting for me, more ornate than ever, with leather attachments. I dressed thinking my luck had changed until the door behind me creaked slightly open and a note slid in the room. "From: The noble Lord Nibblenuggets". I moved to inspect further, reclaiming the chicken as a club (Hehe, chicken club!) only to find that on the other side of the door was a freshly picked bouquet of pipe bombs with such a pretty pretty red ribbon and .... Oh, bollox.

[perfumed ignition] A large explosion completely destroyed my new purple spandex suit, along with the door, a passing rat, the door again, the new outlook I had on life, and several of the fingers on my right hand. Luckily, being the skilled seamstress I was, I managed to reattach all four missing fingers. It wasn't until moments later that I realized the explosion had only blown off two of my fingers and I now had a complete set of seven. Where the other two had come from, I didn't know, but damn it if they weren't useful when playing the lute. Unfortunately, I didn't know how to play the lute.

I put on another purple spandex suit (conveniently, there was a closet full of them) and started packing everything I could find into a sack I found under the bed. I took everything I thought would be necessary for the perilous journey ahead. I grabbed food, water, more spandex, a map, the TV remote, the dead chicken, some extra fingers I found laying around, and a rocket launcher. Eventually, there was only room enough in the sack for one more item. I could either take an important looking dungeon key labeled, "Property of Lord Nibblenuggets" or a really cute book of butterfly stickers. The choice was obvious. I packed up the stickers and headed out.

[iszendre] I began climbing down the ridiculously tall tower when I noticed a sign reading "Beware the curse of ten thousand mousetraps". I continued, careful to step on every single trap, until I found a door at the bottom on the floor of all preposterorities! I found it had lock with the regent's seal, a mouth and some nuggets. Obviously I had to use either the key that was up forty- seven point two flights of stairs or find another means.

I picked the lock with my teeth startled to notice it was a bi-metal lock. When my kisser met the lord's seal, I tasted the second flavor of metal. He had brass nuggets! I shed my breakfast on the floor at the thought and then ventured on into dungeon where I found a single guard busy scratching himself. He looked appreciably stupid so I asked "Ever had a wet willy?" When he plugged his ears I kicked him in the marbles and ran waving my hands and screaming toward the cells. It was then I noticed I had a mousetrap clasped round my tongue. I waggled my trapped raspberry at my fetal positioned, newly green-faced fallen foe as I ran.

[Vattukatt] Occupied by my current trail of thought I whirled into a horde of undead people. This filled me with complete and utter bliss. They were so charming. So regal. So filled with undefined intellect. A prickling sensation to my toes brought to my attention that a few was already workng their way trough my feet, teeth clattering. Joy! With a big grin smeared all over my face, I danced on with my mouth slowly going numb, backed up by a choir of undead voices. Then there was this man, important looking, thought he was blocking the path. ”Oh-” he said, made half the beginning of a silly stance. I ran past him. My following crowd ran all over him, teeth clattering, it made me feel warm inside. Then there was this hole. I didn't hear the end of it but I felt it coming up to attack my face.

I wriggled about upon a fleshy presence. It was a whole human...'s leg, one of those friendly looking legs you see on tv. I picked it up and it became my best friend. I started clawing frantically at the slippery walls but they only hissed and scurried away. The leg tugged wetly at my arm and I felt that maybe it didn't look that trustworthy after all. It had one of those faces you wouldn't want staring back at you from across your breakfast. The thing with detached legs is that they tend to turn back to their original state of mind – the arrogant, backstabbing kind with bad taste in furniture. Could I really trust this to be a good natured leg?

[iszendre] Well, the leg was shaved and it had a collar so I figured it must have belonged to someone so I tucked it into my backpack with a little sack of food and proceeded. It wasn't long before I found a door. When I opened it I saw several smirking idiots. I like idiots when they don't realize their heads will plummet up their tail pipes with my patented "Head up Ass" machine. It has a crank and everything! I know a particular Master's Forest Ranger who learned that the hard way after tugging on my hat's jingle ball.

"I trust you know who I am?" he asked stroking his cat fondly enough to make one wonder.
"Jim Belushi?"
"You know, I ... Wait..what? I am the Lord Nibblenuggets and you are the star of my new reality sitcom starring you, some peasants, the nobles that tested me, and my little sister. Oh, and the producer was suffering chronic pissing me off syndrome so I cut off her leg and then set the undead on her." I had to think fast while the overstuffed prick-face began laughing like I do when eat somebody...wait, did I really think that?

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2011-05-12 [iszendre]: If you are new and totally confused, worry not. You can get up to speed by reading some excerpts from Sugarfix Breakfast. It's a little long but most enjoyable. However, we are kinda starting a whole new thing in this one.

2011-05-16 [perfumed ignition]: Thanks for the invite!

2011-05-17 [iszendre]: Thanks for the post, PI, and I look forward to the next. For a bit it might just be you and I until I can recruit more writers. I might try to hornswaggle my brother back on here too.

2011-05-17 [perfumed ignition]: That sucks. I'll try to recruit some people too, if you want me to.

2011-05-18 [iszendre]: The more the merrier. :)

2011-05-29 [Vattukatt]: I would try to add some to the craze. But if I do I'll be part of the thing. Maybe it's a trap and something marvelously big and unpleasant will descend upon my head and I'll be stuck to the floor forever if I ever try to leave after making this.. pact...

2011-05-30 [iszendre]: Alls I can say is gopher it! Have fun. You can stick to the ceiling too if you like but we have a compfier chair with fresh glue! As a matter of farce I have some traps too but I'll have to make sure we have shackles in your size. Comfort and giggletry first!

2011-05-30 [iszendre]: I look forward to your posts may they go on to perpetuity

2011-05-30 [Vattukatt]: Well just because I'm stuck to.. whatever piece of furniture present.. doesn't mean I'll deliver endless volumes of grand masterpieces of which there'll be songs for centuries to come xD
Uh no but seriously tho, heh.. I'm sorry, I take time to do shit, generally.

I am a fan of traps tho. Do they come in different colors?

2011-05-31 [iszendre]: As a matter of fiction, i am creating one that is opalescent in a variety of colors. Sign up now and you get one free fight with the mighty cactopus! Operators are standing by for this limited offer.

It is also alimited offer because cactopus fighting is dangerous sport... So call now!

2011-05-31 [Vattukatt]: That is quite the offer you have there... wait!
This involves possible death.
Doesn't it?

2011-06-01 [iszendre]: Well, maybe the possibility of mild dismemberment. Really very mild. Besides, the purple crocodilius is let loose before the cactopus' fatal blow! We can't guarantee they will ONLY fight each other but we also have prizes for the longest survivor and a shoulder rub from an authentic noble. Also a half bushel of tart apples maybe!

2011-06-01 [Vattukatt]: Well that's rather nice. Although I could do without the noble abuse. Nobles are usually not my thing. Most of em doesn't even earn their place they just happen to be someone's kid and usually can't even hold a sword correctly. I'd rather be touched by some hardly known warrior or.. oh a bard! Now those are true! I've always wanted one. Can I have one? And the apples, if I may. But it better be good ones, I don't like it when they're soft and squishy. Also I want fitting music to my fighting session.

2011-06-01 [iszendre]: Okay, we're formulating a plan. First, the apples are crisp. It's like a symphony betwixt your teeth.  The lord NN's plan was to make the nobles perform manual labor to teach them humility but if you want a bard, we have nice selection of slightly better than average singing, harp playing blondes. I taught them myself. For fight music we could go with Eye of the Tiger or some godsmack or a7x. You'll have the best public defense coach. You'll also be equipped with a mouth guard, kevlar, a bowling ball, some tidily winks, and an incindiary or .45 Teddy bear. Really the best equipment money can mod!

2011-06-04 [Vattukatt]: It might be enough. Might. The only thing I'd like to add at this moment is someone professional yet not too expensive who could take my photo and/or paint my picture afterwards.

Or, in case of death, a poet to write something sad about my leaving the world behind. Not just anyone. Guy's got to have some class. I want everyone crying when he's done, even the ones just passing by on their way to buy some grapes at the local market.

Buut of course I wouldn't die, that's not my thing.

2011-06-06 [iszendre]: I could do the poem and maybe the photo. It would have to be a glossy though. What if we throw in a singing rapier and a six figure contract? Oh, and dying is not good unless Nibblenuggets says so and he didn't so I assume that dying is out of bounds for our gladiators.

2011-06-06 [Vattukatt]: Wait what happens to those who does the death thing even if he didn't say so? Are they sentenced to death? Because if that's the case I do believe it's too big a price to pay for the mere pleasure of dying in battle, even tho I've always wanted a sad poem. Maybe I could get someone to write me such a poem anyway. Maybe I could just pretend to die and then after the poem I could just.. dance. And I would still win the battle and get the girl and all those fancy prices and a blessing from the king and suchforth. Would that be okay? I'm just saying.
Maybe we could make some buttons that sparkle and show a picture of my face when you lick them and sell those to people in the audience. Do I still have to pay if you do the poem? Can I keep the singing rapier? What lies beyond the clouds?

2011-06-08 [iszendre]: I just spoke with him (by the way his breath smells like a sweaty yak in summer) and apparently his noble nuggets are like those magic eight balls you see advertised. That will tell you will fight. As far as death goes it turns out he is pretty good at reanimation hence the zombies. So, if you die, your zombie will be signing autographs at the mall until your brain can be harvested and placed in a new body. That's if he likes you and the voodoo queen releases you to fight on. Either way my poetry is never bested and yours will be epic! Also you can get the girl in lord NN's kingdom. Being a gladiator, though, you may have to fight/eat her. Sorwwwy, I don't make up the rules. If it helps I can send a cuddly puppy pic to you:)

2011-06-09 [Vattukatt]: Yeah.. yeah.. no. I..
Truth be told I just want to go on an epic adventure. But I have not the funds needed. I figured this whole thing would help me get out of here as I have dreamed for a whole of twenty minutes.
But now you're talking so much about death. There's just so much death! I have a mental disorder which is triggered when the word death is mentioned too many times. My murder instincts kick in and dangerous acid starts pouring from my eyes (and sometimes other places), it also makes me awfully needy which makes me and my acid want to be very close to people in general.
This is why I had to stop listening to aggressive music. 
I don't know if I can manage this... ó_o

2011-06-12 [iszendre]: How about Barry Manilow and... paintball? We'll just have to work it into the contract. The contract is even printed in cactopus ink! The paper is made from recycled hopes and dreams and embossed with starlight ! Could you hope for more? Yes? How about 3 square meals per day, your own personal quarters in the arena, your pictur on the cover of Gladiator Semi-bimonthly?

2011-06-14 [RazzyBlades]: Ok, so I am here. Not sure what to write at the moment. Its also 5:02 in the morning. But I did come. Now to figure out how to do all this XD. Text me later.

2011-06-16 [iszendre]: You pretty much just follow the jester girl's character quirks and unveil more of the story by making it up.

2011-06-17 [Vattukatt]: I didn't even know you could recycle hopes and dreams. I always thought they'd loose that special stuff dreams and hopes are made of as soon as they became reality-based and, if they didn't become reality, they'd have to be broken or unused which would make them bad for your health. I don't know, maybe I shouldn't have taken those slightly suspicious afternoon classes at the Academy. Their way of teaching always made me feel a bit awkward..
I feel that your offering is quite the spectacular and sparkly thing. Maybe it would be stupid of me to refuse now that it gone this far. Such many great things have come out of my once silly fear of being stuck to something for the rest of eternity. I could never had dreamed that it would get me where I am today, but I'll be sure to mention something about that in the next interview.

2011-06-27 [iszendre]: Recycled hopes and dreams also make an excellent glue for sticking zombie limbs back in place. Our certified zombinologists take the utmost care in ensuring that your experience is one in a million. We also offer the guarantee that if your experience is not the best ever we also have rocket launchers standing by for our competitors. We have a cafeteria, pool, and spa. Our bards are the best. If not, we also offer wet chickens to smack them with. In addition, we also have have staff who are trained to beg, cry, and kiss the feet of prospective patrons. If you aren't completely satisfied lord NN will feed me to the athletes at the mutant Olympics. Order now...pleahehehese!

2011-06-29 [Vattukatt]: I heard recycled unicorns are getting popular recently. Maybe you could throw in one of those as a bonus (I just thought I should add that I would like mine to be light green with white stripes and purple eyeshadow).
I sure hope the chickens are insured..
How do I order? Is there a certain way to do that?
Or maybe I should get someone else to order it for me, in case you die anyway, I don't want to be responsible for that. It's not that I care or anything. I mean, I wouldn't lie awake at night thinking about how it would be my fault if anything happened to you. It's no big deal. It's just another of those lives, awfully common these days.

Err... 

Maybe... I should just grab a bard and run...
I could tame him and teach him to do... stuff. We would be okay on our own until things settled. Chasing barbarians in the woods... poking at dead people with sticks.. campfire.. fruitcake... yeah. Maybe.

2011-06-29 [iszendre]: Lord NN tells us that you receive a free and irrevocable lifetime membership after submitting more than eight comments since the sponsors pay like comments are Nielson ratings on television. I'm afraid there was fine print and NN made me shut up with a branding iron. Being a bard myself was more fun. I used to only get hit by cabbages and small children. Now I train the poor sons of...where was I?

I raise baby recycled unicorns and nurture them from infancy. Green stripy ones are rare but I sense that you are a worthy master. Yes, you were promoted to master because of the loophole in the 30 day free trial. Now you can send your very own slaves to their own glorious deaths plus you'll make a lot of nibblecash pimping gladiators to lord goon, the reaper.

2011-06-29 [Vattukatt]: But that's... oh come on, he made that up right now! That's not fair, now I have no choice! Who is this lordship, is there a way to talk business with him over dinner? I can't cook very well but I can pretend to make sandwiches.
I'd have chickens over kids any day..
Since your days as bard are over I suppose you can't be trained and used for anything. It's a shame because I was almost getting used to you, but now I should have to choose a random idiot to flee with instead.

Can such nibblecash be used to upgrade weapons and bodyparts?

2011-06-30 [iszendre]: Nibblecash can be used for anything my perfect science can dream and who says my barding is completely over? The jerk just tried to feed me to something again. It's the third time since breakfast and... Oh he heard me. That means that I will be fed to Langilor. Great. Yes, bolt the shackles a bit tighter. It appears that my freedom from death will be up for auction to the highest bidder. Order now.

2011-06-30 [Vattukatt]: And what does your perfect science dream then?
It makes me wonder what he feeds on himself, I just need to know what bait to put in my secret traps. I do want audience with him. I believe we have things to settle.

Do I pay for you with my membership/comments as well?

2011-07-02 [iszendre]: Yup. Posts in the story give you twice the nibblecash and gifts of fabled artifacts give you honorary membership in the National Nuggets Learning Sciences Institute but I wouldn't suggest visiting as you will be mistaken for a test hobo.

My perfect science blends alchemistry with grotesque surgical engineering. If you want an infrared eye for example we can do it. Superhuman strength, certainly. If I am not sold sold on the slave block I will be doing my next infomercial from within the Langilor's belly. Operators are standing by.

2011-07-04 [iszendre]: I am now inside the belly of the beast. Hey, I found the producer of the zombie show.

2011-07-04 [Vattukatt]: He must be a brave man. Or must have been, at least.

2011-07-05 [iszendre]: I appear to be unscathed, having been excreted from the langilor. The jerk is still digesting my harp and lunch box.

2011-07-05 [Vattukatt]: Well now you can get yourself a banjo. I'm sure the harp is in a better place. If there is a better place for harps. I'm sure there is. He's happy now . . . *sob*

2011-07-08 [iszendre]: I am now playing dueling banjos. Hey, Langilor, you got a pertty mouth!

2011-07-08 [Vattukatt]: That's... that's a bit unsettling. If.. I may say so. I think I'm starting to feel compelled to move away. There should be an exit... oh darn! The special glued furniture! How could I miss that thing, it's huge! And smells weird.. oh goddangit.

Um... a little help..? Please..?

2011-07-23 [iszendre]: The exits have been sealed with...ummm...some glue or something. Maybe duct tape. It must be the curse of the mummy or the carpenter. I'll get you out as soon as I finnish this ice cream sandwich.

2011-07-23 [Vattukatt]: Oh ice cream sandwich! I thought they were extinct! Me and my crazy forest living woodcutter guy used to hunt those on early Sunday mornings. What good times there were!

2011-07-26 [iszendre]: You should see the hunt on tuesday. The push pops will hopping in their orange sherbet goodness. You can follow the moose tracks as long as go neopolitan :)

2011-07-26 [Vattukatt]: I haven't been able to hunt since that day when the woodcutter guy climbed up a tree and disappeared. It was such a shock. The only thing left was some discolored hair from his beard.

Isn't it kinda funny how the actual story isn't progressing at all? Writers are very delicate individuals. Maybe something's scaring them away?

2011-08-14 [iszendre]: Here it is actually perfectly normal to be afraid of your own shadow. My shadow once stole my wallet and bought useless trinkets.

2011-08-15 [Vattukatt]: My shadow sneaks out at night when he knows I can't see him and goes to parties with demons. It's really unpleasant because when he's gone the dreams are free to feast on me.

Hey.
Weren't you gonna make me a town.. or was it a house? I don't remember....

2011-08-15 [iszendre]: My shadow is usually up wailing guitar solos until the early morning. It is quite sad for something with no eardrums but he pulls it off. At least it drives away the mutant wombats.

As far as the town or house deal goes, we can start with a statue in Gladiator Square right in front of the arena with a nice hedge around it. Not too high so as to keep from covering your tunic. I am back in NN's favor though he keeps writing things down on a notepad and sends clumsy spies to follow me wherever I go.

2011-09-21 [iszendre]: It really sucks but, after months and only a few entries, I may have to retire Sugarfix yet again. If you want Sugarix to remain, let me know something.

2011-09-28 [Vattukatt]: And it was getting to be such an adventure.. and it was the only place that remembered my name too.

2012-06-05 [girl4u23]: Hello,
( nancy4god2@yahoo.com ) My name is Miss Nancy,I came across your contact as i was searching for good friend, A friend who truly understand his or her friend and share their feelings together. please kindly accept my request, I believe that distance can never be a barrier but let?love connect us because love is a bridge that connected far distance to be close to each other.I will send my pictures to you immediately i receive your reply.( nancy4god2@yahoo.com )
yours ,Miss.Nancy

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